Since the birth of my son almost two years ago, my fiancé and I seem to be in consistent conflict regarding family structure. As a child who was raised in a two parent household, I have become accustomed to family and household structure with both parents sharing in the responsibilities of the children and household. In contrast my fiancé was raised in a single parent household in which he witnessed his mother managing many responsibilities on her own. My fiancé family structure as a child laid the foundation for his image, values, and beliefs of the term “family”. Last week my fiancé and I had a disagreement regarding the lack of family time spent together on Sundays. I work Monday thru Friday from 8:30am to 4:30pm and my fiancé works Monday thru Saturday from 8:00am to 4:30pm. Between our work schedules, the only day during the week in which we have an opportunity to spend time together as a family is Sunday. This Sunday opportunity often becomes nonexistent as my fiancé insist on using his one day off to complete personal errands in preparation for the start of a new work week. His decision to complete these errands on his one day off and our only day to spend family time together often aggravates me, to say the least. I feel my fiancé is inconsiderate of the importance of spending time together as a family, while my fiancé thinks I am inconsiderate of his work schedule and limited time to complete necessary errands during the week. Two strategies I have learned that might help manage this conflict between my fiancé and I are begin cooperative and focusing on the issue. Cooperative strategies benefit the relationship, serve mutual rather than individual goals, and strive to produce solutions that benefit both parties. My fiancé and I may mutually agree that I will be accepting of him arriving home later than usual after work on Saturday to allow time for him to complete errands normally completed on Sundays. This solution will serve my fiancé goal of completing errands before the start of the work week as well as my goal to reserve Sunday as a day to spend family time together. Focusing on the conflict at hand is another strategy that can be used to help manage the conflict between my fiancé and me. When I become aggravated at my fiancé choice to use Sunday as his day to complete errands instead of spending time together as a family, I sometimes find myself becoming verbally aggressiveness, attacking my fiancé character in labeling him “inconsiderate” and “uninvolved”. Focusing on the conflict at hand would encourage me to say to my fiancé “I don’t like when you use Sundays to complete your errands because I value family time and look forward to spending time together on Sundays”.
Tinisha,
ReplyDeleteSo many issues are involved! I am glad that you and your fiance are discussing it.
It is important to remember what traits you respect about him. For example, I am sure that you appreciated his sense of financial responsibility and work ethic. His six-day-a-week workweek let you know that he was a hard working and responsible person.
As men, we often get the message that our worth is defined by our work and our income. Few men are raised to think that their worth comes from family time. This is a larger societal issue, nevertheless, it has influenced your fiance.
Is there a win-win in this? Probably not. Even if he works later on Saturday to accomplish his chores, imagine how you might respond when you have no respite from being a parent. Will you suddenly need Sunday to take care of your needs?
I imagine that the answer will ultimately reside in a conversation about what is really most important. Can you live with a smaller appartment and a smaller income with more time together? Will your fiance's identity as a man suffer if he works less and makes less money? Does he have any control over his work schedule? What would you give up to have a more involved partner/co-parent?
Aggressive communication - while it may work in a high-pressure workplace, etc, is not something that a man is likely to respond to well. I'm just speaking as a man myself.
Consider also, men often become more engaged in their child's life once the children are older. Older children are more familiar to men - they can play ball, roughhouse, etc.
This is ultimately a very important but very complex issue and may require some outside person to listen and help reflect and expand the dialogue.
All of which is easier said than done - as I have myself been regularly unsuccessful at relationships and even now with my understanding wife have spent my share of days on the couch.
Wishing you well.
Greg
HI Tinisha, my situation with my fiancé is exactly the same with the different family structure growing up, so I understand your battle. I like you mention you cooperative strategies benefit the relationship. In conflict resolution, I approach the situation as trying to find a solution (compromise) from a “win win “strategy.
ReplyDeleteThanks for Sharing!
Andrea C.
Tinisha,
ReplyDeleteFamily conflict arises quite often. It isn’t until someone turns aggressive that it turns bad. It sounds that you two have different perspectives and I can see both of them. I understand how you feel wanted to spend time with family and I understand how he feels because that is his only day off. It sounds to me that a compromise should be at hand. This could be him only spending so much time of his Sunday on errands while devoting the other time to his family.
Arica